I am home from Hawaii. Having faced several of my big fears (time to admit it all, time to feel good about the doing of it), from heights, flying and volcanoes (seriously, I used to have very scary volcano dreams)… even deep water. I return home quite a different person from the one who left 11 days ago.
Oh, I will still thrust my foot into my mouth, will still tell too much of the stories for the liking of some and will probably find something new to be afraid of – but that will simply provide some other adventure to use in the conquering. Tonight I realize my math was all wrong on the hay needed for the time of my absence – I brought in too much hay for what was needed. Whew. That helps, I will get past the weekend, hopefully, before I have to bring in another load. My bumbling can be beneficial sometimes.
In Hawaii, I was able to see my life through different eyes. I could sleep with the clean air through windows and the soft awareness of the sea… easy to watch from my bedroom windows, to the west, quietly chanting the Heart Sutra each night. I wept through it at first. Billy and I chanted that Sutra beside her as our Mother died. But, by the last night in that now beloved room, not a tear welled for me and I understood a lot about why some things happened.
My falling in love (with a person) back at the start of autumn was about me just staying alive (because there are things I need to do and be). A purpose served, even though I did not understand the extremes of it all. And I kept my body going.
Hawaii was about falling in love with beauty and challenges… the essences of kindness and strength. And I kept my spirit going.
Coming home is about falling in love with my past. What I mean by that is the loving of all I have accomplished in the past few years. It’s hard to see it when you are in the middle of it. The abandoning of routine and responsibility shakes the senses into a sharper awareness when those factors of one’s life return. And I will keep my dream alive.
The Dharmahorse tribe gave me that opportunity by taking impeccable care of the horses and everything here. Tonight, I will weave myself back into this tapestry, but not as it was – my focus is what I want it to be. No longer just what it needs to be to “get through”. We are going to see differently. After I sleep some more… just a bit more sleep…
Yesterday I was at sea on a whale watching ship for hours. Within a few hours of that, I was on the plane crossing the ocean as I returned home. While many fly without a second thought; for me to willingly end up at 38,000 feet, going hundreds of miles per hour with 22 degrees below zero outside is a testimonial to how much I wanted this vacation. For me to walk down through a lava tube, look into sulfuric acid steam lava vents, swim with the fish and turtles in a wet suit, go up the right nerve wracking road to Maunakea, go way out on the ocean on the boat to watch whales and dolphins – these took a deep breath.
BUT, as soon as it all started, I found myself enthralled with every moment and every sight. Hawaii healed me.
My Mother had always dreamed of seeing whales and dolphins. I did that part for her.
So, while I still forget to say “crikey” lately instead of cursing, I am seeing a balance (sometimes, you just have to let go with the profanity to really release something, sad, but true). I made gestures toward a continent, ate snow by the telescopes, swallowed more sea water than I meant to and ate much more food than I intended! It just tasted so good.
Now, the massive amounts of coffee I drank, that was intended. Kona coffee has enslaved me, nothing will ever taste as good again – but, for now, the beans that flew back with me will be my dear friends for as long as they last, being savored, never taken for granted. And that will be easy.