Whine night, wine night, WHY? night… tonight

I meant to say “crikey”, the 300 times I yelled “f*ck this” during the past two hours. Crikey was my choice about 14 years ago, needing a word to use around parents and clients… it has served me well. Tonight, it doesn’t cut it. The wind has exceeded the predicted 50 mph now and the temperature has dropped from 40something to under 20 degrees. We are expecting freezing rain/ice storms… crikey… nope, F*CK this is appropriate, forgive me, it just is.

What was I doing the past two hours? I was wrestling horse blankets onto patient, grateful steeds, with metal parts whipping across my face, missing my eyes, but hurting like… like crikey. I was gathering flakes of hay into the carrier and leaning into the frosty blast to get to each horse’s feeder with some of the food I started with. Eyes full of dirt and hay specks, I filled water tubs before the hoses froze…

I’m warm inside now, no real worse for wear, but a bit shaky. The theme of my life lately seems to be “struggle against the weather” and I’ve played this part a few times too often. I just thought, “rage against the machine”, and sorta wonder if there is any real difference in the challenges we face – beyond the names and the forms they manifest – struggle is struggle.

But I live almost between worlds here. My house is small and simple and just this side of actually being outdoors. I am SO grateful for my home and my furnace and the fact that each horse has a roof and wind break (and a waterproof blanket!)… but we all have to face the weather together. I wish I could make things better for us all. We are up on the side of this mountain because the water is safe and clean, the air is safe, there are no agricultural chemicals being sprayed on us… when I remember my reasons, I know it is best… but, CRIKEY, I’m tired of struggling.

So, I’m whining again. I recognize this fact, but seem to return to the process too often. It is a “whine night”. It is also a “wine night”… just to relax enough to sleep later, I’ll have a bit with some very hot soup!

I have a large box fan tied in a tree by our grooming area. In the summer on a rare still day, the fan with the shade makes a wonderful little cool spot for the horses and for us. Tonight, the sound it is making is actually frightening. But, more frightening is the thought of trying to get it down out of the tree in this blast… I could really get hurt, I think.

So, my brother tells me that the entire country, the entire planet is struggling with harsh weather, earthquakes, fires and changes and he reminds me that I have faced worse nights than this one (I have). Yesterday was a beautiful day… strangely different now… it is disconcerting to go so suddenly from one extreme to another. But much of my life lately is a roller coaster of sorts. Some aspects have good enough “up” parts to make the “downs” acceptable. Some aspects remain to be seen… I am in the evaluation stage on a couple of them.

I’ve done the best I can for my horses tonight. I’ll go searching for things like muck buckets and cones when the wind stops in a day or two. I’ll go on vacation soon and I bet the weather here will be lovely (I hope so for those who are taking over for me!). I’ll have a hot bath, soup and wine and try to get some sleep. I am so grateful for propane, electricity, good food and the very sweet wine I love, made by a student’s family! I can handle this.

rain clouds

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