Self Inflicted

Wally hugs me with his neck tonight and pulls his grass hay out of the feeder, then pees on it. One act is so endearing, the other, exasperating! While pulling tarps from the hay stack to prepare supper, I, for what seems like the hundredth time, hit my injured finger with a cinder block. The blocks are needed to keep tarps in place during the wind. Here, we don’t wonder if it will blow – we assume it will.

So I handle the blocks four times a day and each day re-injure my “flipping off” finger on my left hand. Now, as swollen as it has become, it has become an easy target. But I also work on healing it every night. I’m kinda good at healing things. It’s a good thing – I’m also kinda proficient at self inflicting not only physical injuries but adding mental anguish to my plate as well. I’m human.

Partially shivering from the descending cold winter air that is making its way down the mountain tonight and partially sweating from the wool socks and neck gaiter which need to be removed soon, I listen to the furnace pushing hot air down the ducts to this office floor vent. Last month, I rolled my chair over the vent and it shattered, the chair whipping me backwards and throwing itself sideways like some bronc from my youth intent upon dumping me. It succeeded. I was briefly stuck between a small file cabinet and the opening to the closet. It was just like the time the hay hook let loose while I was heaving a 150 pound bale of hay to the back of the barn and I fell onto a concrete support, hip first. These, I consider my bone density tests – which I keep passing with flying colors (or flying body)…

It is something about being a full time horse person. Also probably similar to doing roller derby. I have a friend who rides in Eventing and does roller derby. She would have the most accurate perspective! I also see the posts of her bruises regularly. They are truly impressive.

snookie jump

What makes us push on with these tasks and passions that bring body blows and joint torking with no “rational” reward? I think we are fighters. Not in so much an aggressive way, but as committed followers of our own spirits.

My Mum always told me to, “Follow your Spirit without hesitation”. And I always have. Consequences be damned if I needed hay for my horses, to get an old truck across the country or felt an energetic draw to an improbable relationship or unwanted equine. So, the self inflicted battering would begin – in one form or another.

And here is why I “pass” those bone density tests and hop up after being dumped by an office chair bronc – I keep working, keep pushing, keep the body moving. If we over-protect ourselves, the surprise event, slip or crash will actually cause a deeper injury. The body that struggles is the body that prevails… something like that.

So, when I really do not want to muck pens, tighten fences, drag railroad ties around or load hay, I remind myself that my strength and my good health depend upon those very things. I hop up and do them… gratefully.

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