My office is at the opposite end of the house from the furnace. Tonight, the warm air pushes its way down here, but I made a hot cup of coffee with soy creamer as well… for warmth. I have the little radiator on in the bathroom and plan to soak in an hour. I am certain the hot water soaks are helping my neck along with my necklace and pillow for the pain.
I would like a glass of sweet wine, but that would have me asleep in no time! I got my application today for a job as a DJ at a radio station. I’m thinking some extra, consistent income would be smart right now. It is something I can do. I could run printing presses again, but my hands are more beat up now than they were when I was a pressman. That might just use them up completely.
With 7 horses to support (and me and 2 dogs), the school alone might not meet the needs… I’ve been hanging on by a thread for several months. Yet, I know things will be okay. They always are. And I actually like the idea of working in radio. I like new adventures, I like building new dendrites. It just might work out.
I am proud of my student and my horse, from the Horse Trials – we are a stable focused upon the well-being of the horses and we can still go out and compete admirably.
Tonight, I’m kind of going over recent past events and thinking through all the meanings… from all the months of holding my Mother in the light before her passing, to my connection and loving of a new human who ended up confusing me, to the vacuum of repetitive days and weary nights… it does seem that life has its own agenda. All I really know is that I am honest, I am loyal, I try to be kind always and these are all I can do and be in the world. I can’t make others do or be anything at all.
But I can teach. I teach how I communicate with these animals through compassion. I teach how I keep us all healthy through Nature. I beat the drum of “less is more” and I cry out against the medical model that reduces the animals to mere parts and parcels. But, it may not be enough to sustain us… what I do is not necessarily interesting to the masses.
I brought my Mother’s ashes home yesterday… from the city. I drove up the mountain on the Highway with my hand resting the whole time on the container. I did not cry at the funeral home, but I wept all the way back to my home. Here is a photo of her with her 3 special dogs, from back when she was healthy and happy (she never liked having her photo taken!) and a last photo on my porch with my pony loving her.
And here is my precious, 21 year old Basil who passed over several weeks before my Mum had her fall that set off the deterioration of her health.
I miss them both more than I could ever express. Yet I would not have them suffer one moment just to be present for my sake.
Tonight, I look at my life and life in general. We all suffer, we all love, we all dance and we all aspire. I walk past my furnace and say “I love you, thank you” because I find being able to turn a switch and get instant warmth (or cool in the summer) a real miracle. I heat my coffee back up in the microwave (I tried going without one and gave in) and add some whipped cream – so indulgent for me!
Tomorrow will be a day full of horse care and lessons and good friends. I’m looking forward to it… nice really, to look forward to tomorrow. I have forced myself out of bed for so long. I feel like some healing is going on for us all here. I have an article that needs to be written (for a big magazine) and another column to plan for the newspaper. I’m skipping the newsletter this week… no inspiration right now. And that’s okay.
Old Doctor Who’s come on in just over an hour. I may walk over to my brother’s house and ask for a cake or other sweet – I’ve been unable to eat much for a really long time… the advantage is that I now wear size 7 jeans (used to be 10). But I’ve not bought any cupcakes or pastry for myself and tonight I’m craving something!! I still have all the size 10 pants… just in case.