Screaming in stereo

I have no sense of time, no sense of taste, no sense of structure anymore. Justifiable and obvious (if obtuse), I feel so little right now and I scream at night, then scream at morning. Lifted by a new love merely months ago and lifted by my Mother’s improvements and return home – I have been dropped unceremoniously, directly upon my heart by both situations. It is not my suffering that is scream-worthy; it is my Mum’s suffering as she struggles to die and the frustration with how suddenly she went from improved to unsaveable….

Time spent with her is for my own sake. Even though I know she hears the words of love and gratitude spoken and she feels the kisses upon her forehead – she is best left sleeping peacefully, a drug induced release of pain…

Two hours ago, at Hospice, I was told she will likely pass over the weekend. It is Friday.

A couple of weeks ago, I thought my shaky relationship, long distance in nature, was on the mend. My Mum asked about “So & so” (I won’t use his name anymore, I do not wish to cause him any grief). My mother will die thinking that he loves me. I will live knowing he must not…. I scream silently so as not to upset the dogs. I am alone here today, all I could upset would be the animals. But they love me so much, I don’t want them to know that I hurt profoundly (can I really keep it from them?).

I write to process this. I do not need the audience, yet there might be a chance I could speak someone’s heart as well as my own and that connection means we are not alone – as we scream.

It got wintery cold suddenly. The weeks of neglecting my supplements left me open to a respiratory tract infection. I fight it now. I bundle up. I let others do my work and I scream because of that, too. I read a Taoist thing about letting the mud settle… waiting for the water to clear and having the patience to see what the clarity brings. Do I have a choice? All I can do is wait.

The horses wonder what is happening. Their lives are unsettled as well. Creatures of rhythm and routine, they tilt their heads in questioning ways when I turn them out in different orders and feed at odd times. The dogs take advantage of me and act as if no meal has been fed when I have, in realty, fed them. I suppose I have double fed them on several occasions.

I meant to nap this afternoon, then check on my student and my horse that are at a big competition over the weekend. Sleep eludes me. Solace eludes me. Understanding eludes me. Screaming… I’ve got that down to a science.

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