Limbo

I should be writing my column for the newspaper… and I will get to it before midnight. Tonight, I’m just feeling the energies change around me. I spent the morning with a couple I adore, in between visits with my Mum. Their horses have the most awesome lives – very adored, very lucky equines, very posh place. I got home and napped after checking on my horses. Sometimes I forget that they are my horses. I think of them as sovereign beings and they have their own relationships with students… I lose touch with that “ownership” thing. But I sure feel the responsibilities tonight! My horses are healthy and safe in less than posh facilities. They don’t seem to care about fancy one bit, bless them. I will get more hay tomorrow and make my truck payment thanks to those horses and my great students. I will teach lessons and host my hoof care specialist with the newspaper doing an article about her – Majic will be her subject for trimming and I sure hope he doesn’t sleep on poop tonight (he’s white)! A friend who is up in Organ where I used to live was telling me about the person who lives in the cottage I rented MANY years ago… I had a twinge of jealousy – there were lots of very good times back then. I thought about the artistic community we were building; about the Zendo and the meditation classes I taught… I started feeling overwhelmed by the life I’m caught in right now and had to turn on the TV for some mindlessness – and watched a show about Tesla. It was centering for sure. bell rock The thoughts about artists and free energy and community reminded me that I have another family who would welcome me if I needed to land there on the beautiful farm I had lived on years ago. In my panicky feelings of “what comes next”, I realized that I choose what does. I have people who love me, here at home and in Arizona. I will not ever be homeless again and I’m not sure why my mind would ever go there… except maybe these feelings of stress and uncertainty are so reminiscent of the lost feelings before I was homeless… it was not for long, but it was scary! I also had been thinking, months back, about finding a way to visit Australia. It feels like that will remain a distant dream. So, the sense of “follow your path”, “be true to your dreams” hits me tonight with “What the heck are my dreams?”. I think it is okay to be in limbo sometimes. Uncomfortable for me, but acceptable for the time being. I still feel desire to grow my stable and do more with the esoteric kind of horsemanship I practice (but is it going to be embraced here?)… a close friend told me that this is, by far, the worst time to try to make decisions and that I must just “chill”, Don’t Panic (“read your own words, Katharine,” she said “go read old stuff you wrote”). And I got herbs today to work on a little physical problem I’ve had come up (stress related). In the natural market I asked for a product and was told it is not available there, not considered “safe”, then I pointed out mega dose Zinc lozenges and other things that can be toxic… then (and I’m not proud of this) I told her that I have written for half of the magazines they sell (it is true, too) and I said, “I’m having a rough day, lady, don’t annoy me”. Woooo, that’s not me! Tincture of Time will heal a lot of this stuff. In thinking about the past, I remembered that in less than three years from being homeless, I got my little farm here (mortgage and all) and gathered these good horses… I thought, “The Dude Abides”, I need to just “chill” for sure. Easy to say, hard to do. Maybe I should take up bowling. (wink)

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