Still raining, still dreaming

Flash flood warnings are in effect here. I spent this soggy morning taking my Mother’s walker, clothes, toiletries and such to her in the rehab/skilled nursing facility… it is the sort of dreary day that I normally adore since it becomes a change from the incessant sunshine. I kept thinking that “the sky is crying” as I dodged wells of water at street corners and played very loud music in the truck to keep me awake. It has been a rough 7 weeks… heck, a rough 3 years to be honest. All of it worthwhile for the well being of such a gentle spirit.

I found myself in route to Funky Karma. It is an incense and tea shop toward Mesilla where I once went in my most desperate and demoralized state of being years back. A reading there brought hope and comfort for me when I saw no possibility for either. After that day, I got my rear in gear, found my little farm here and organized a decent life. It was a movement from despair to delight in a matter of months and I never looked back.

Today, I drove almost by auto pilot and parked in front of the shop. Rain spattering the truck roof sounded like tap dancing and I waited for cars to pass to avoid a drenching, then slipped inside to see the knowing face of a friend. I seem to only visit this shop when I’m feeling disconnected from my own spirit. I am certain my aura betrays my state of being the moment I cross that threshold. In minutes, I was able to relax in safety and have a loving reading that put things in perspective. Yes, I would still be facing hard decisions. Yes, I would need to look beyond setbacks for the blessings often overlooked. No, I would not lose friends nor clients nor suffer more hardship with the business, but I would need to look at other ways to set up the business since its present condition remains stagnant. And most clearly I got it that I must, indeed take better care of myself. period. no guilt, no falling back on being “all things to all people”, no more pushing to exhaustion. period.

So, I started home with sticks of sandalwood, the radio blasting instead of Pink Floyd CD’s and The Police started up with “I’ll be watching you…” and the deja vu hit hard. Going north on Holman Road in a downpour is not unique, but somehow a particular day from my past hit me in the face. My soulmate dog, Namaste’ and I were heading out north in a flash flood to get TCW food from the cooperative when we came across a literal river rushing over the road. “Hey, Boo, we’d better turn ’round”, I told him as I stopped and backed the car up to some gravel. “Too risky to cross that, we’ll go home my love”.

Suddenly, today, I wept, couldn’t stop the tears, sobbed and gasped and pulled over to collect myself. Namaste’ was my reason for living for a very long time. His passing broke my soul.

Namaste

I had taught a paraplegic woman years ago who rode a wonderful young gaited horse. Her soulmate dog was a large, elderly guy who had actually saved her life once when her wheelchair careened into an irrigation ditch. When her dog passed over, we spoke intimately about how she wished she could join him – her feelings of loss were so great. When Namate’ passed, I thought I would not survive without him. As I felt the eery sense of the past time with him in the rain on the road today, I realized that I had survived and I had been happy in the times that came, even though I had thought I would never smile again.

And the picture of my Mother in her wheelchair that flooded my mind softened… it certainly seems to her that she won’t be filled with joy again… that her body is worn out, her spirit tired. But, whatever her future holds, I know there is the possibility for her to have happy times. I know that I have done the best I can to help her. I know that I will see losses all through the rest of my life. And the lesson I’m learning is that we just keep ourselves going. We just look forward and look for love.

Music really affects me. I suspect that Sting song must have played when I was driving with Namaste’ years back. All my life I have found solace and inspiration and insight in music. A child of the ’60’s, my music is timeless, even though it can be strange and off putting to hear Led Zepplin played for a Cadillac ad… the words of songs that come to me while driving can have impact just as does the reading at Funky Karma that helps me integrate my feelings.

So, play more music! Dance in the pouring rain. Remember loved ones with sweetness rather than sorrow. I hear my spirit speak again and the ache in my neck lightens a bit. I have no idea where on the planet I may end up… I have no clue what I am supposed to do right now beyond rest! The habitual hyper-vigilence does not leave of its own will, I have to subdue it myself. What I want to tell everyone is this: draw power from what you love! Don’t tell yourself your dreams can wait (those who abandon their dreams will discourage yours). If you fall in love, you should want that person, not need them. You have to be your own strength. You have to prioritize your needs so you can be fully present for someone else.

Then, spend 10 minutes laughing. Love is drawn to laughter.

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